Thursday, September 13, 2007

Ssshhh...

Thanks to Miss for the challenge...

I am a pretty open person. I have talked about my weight, my depression, my lovah, my baby. What haven’t I talked about?
Me Before Baby.
My secret?

I didn’t want to have kids.

I was a theatre major at the University of Alaska. I wanted to own my own theatre company someday; therefore, I put a lot of time into doing every little crappy job in every little production I could. I would spend 12-14 hour days in the Theatre, not caring, barely stopping for lunch. I loved it.
I was so happy. I was doing exactly what I wanted to be doing. Even if I was just scraping sticky glass off the stage, I was still there, breathing in the theatre.
I was actually a bit of a rising star, believe it or not. I got parts in some very edgy shows, I was known as a reliable stagehand, and I was rubbing elbows with most of the Higher-Ups in my theatre community.
You would have never seen me on the big screen, stage was my love, but I could have made a life out of theatre. However, this would have involved long nights, long days, little money, and living in poverty. Fun and tasteful poverty, but poverty nonetheless. I knew that if I was going to be the theatremonger I wanted to be, a child would never fit easily into that world. I was willing to make that sacrifice.

Then I got pregnant.

I left school and got a full time job. Jason and I both have been working full time (and more) since we found out we were having a baby. I provide for my child. I am our household’s primary breadwinner. I do not regret Violet; the most important, wonderful decision I ever made was to keep her. She is the best thing I have ever and will ever accomplish. Everyday, I am convinced again I made the right choice. I work hard to make sure it is remembered that is was my choice, and nothing that Jason or Violet pushed me into. They have taken nothing from me, only given me love and pure joy.

But I know that there is no job that I can ever do that will make me as happy as theatre did. Sometimes I feel I doomed to never have job satisfaction.

Violet is worth it, though.

9 comments:

the Girls' Moma said...

There's nothing wrong with missing your old life. It's ok. It's normal, natural, and expected. Raising that baby is hard work, and sometimes it would be nice to have our old selves back, pre-Mommy selves. The self that isn't responsible for anyone else on the planet.

But, yeah, I guess they're worth it. Yeeesh.

:)

Jennie said...

You're such a strong person. And, it's really nice that you said it was your decision. Regardless, it was your choice, even if it was hard and you miss what you left behind, you made the choice to walk away. Your daughter is lucky that she has a mama like you to teach her about life and dreams.

moo said...

PK and I went through YEARS of our lives, convinced we didn't want kids. I didn't even know if I could HAVE kids, based on my past history.

Lo and behold, we got pregnant pretty fast. Still, although he was very much wanted, we struggled with the idea that our lives were changing. And sometimes, we still struggle with our new normal.

Thanks for stopping by my blog and saying hi! Glad to know I'm not alone with some of my (ahem) issues!

NG said...

I think that if we only made decisions about having children based on how convenient or how much they interfered with our lives, most of us would never have done it. I know I was in that boat. We all have a myriad of reasons for stepping into that world of parenthood... the nice thing is there's also a whole ton of stuff I really dig that I never would have guessed would make it totally worth it.

Alex Elliot said...

I always feel like I have the rest of my life to work on my personal career goals. Who knows if two years from now you would have still been happy doing what you were doing. I think it's great that you're so happy being a mom.

Chantelle said...

I like that you are honest about the fact that you miss some aspects of your pre-mommy life. Missing something is not the same as regretting your decision, and acknowledging your sacrifices does not mean you aren't grateful for your baby every darn day.

And Violet is going to benefit from having a super cool theatre mom.

Ash said...

Preaching to the choir, babycakes. I gave birth to Leila when I was 17 and I am aware that though she is totally worth it, I missed out on ALOT of stuff.

Why do I feel compelled to type she is totally worth it again? Fucking guilt. Freaking fucking mama guilt.

skiplovey said...

There have been many, mnay people who entered into parenthood just like you. You might even call it divine intervention in the case of your lovely Violet. Sometimes the best things in our lives are by chance. And then later on we realize how lucky we are.

B said...

I concur whole-heartedly.

Found your blog through BlogHerads.

:)