Monday, August 25, 2008

24 weeks and 5 days to go.

Embarrassing thing I have eaten this week: A cheese and potato sandwich on wonder bread and slathered with ranch dressing.

Silly thing I have gotten angry over this week: Jason cleaning the house while I rested on the couch. I KNOW. I KNOW.

Thing that made me cry this week: Ash’s comment on my last post. Thanks, dearie.

Names we have ‘settled’ on this week: David Carl and Carli Dawn. (Carl is my dad’s name, David is Jason’s dad’s name, and Dawn is my little sister’s middle name.)

Thing that made erupt with laughter this week: Violet referring to every pink pig at the State Fair as ‘Wilbur’.

What is going on with Violet: First ever haircut! (minus the time she got her finger stuck and we had to cut a chunk!) and a Brand! New! Tricycle!

What is going on with the Bebe: After worrying for, oh, ages that I couldn’t feel the bebe moving yet, I tortured the heck out of my uterus. And it pushed back! A little angrily, I might add. Maybe I should chill and wait for bebe to make their own appearance.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

a pedestal made of rubble

If you met my husband at a party, you would be pulled in by his charm. He may sing some karaoke, Johnny Cash or Neil Diamond. He may pull out his mid-90’s dance moves to make you laugh.

If you came to our house for dinner, he would make you something fabulous, like standing rib roast or meatloaf on savory French toast. He would engage you in a Wii competition or try to beat you at a round of charades.

If you ran into him at the park, you would see him pushing his daughter on the swings, chasing bubbles with her, racing her down the slide. He might stop and ask about your child, pet your dog, chat about the weather.

You would never assume he is a recovering addict.

He grew up in a small Midwestern town, where he started smoking by age 9. He comes from a long line of alcoholics, and wasn’t even in kindergarten when he had his first drink of beer.

When I was in middle school, I went shopping, played flute in band, obsessed over Rider Strong. Jason was drinking and smoking pot. He became a carver; he still bears the scars on his shoulders, his feet, a thick, 6 inch line across his thigh. His most obvious scar is the foot long, raised, red slash along his left forearm. He will tell you he was in a car accident, he was burned on a grill; in fact, this is what is left of his arm after plastic surgery to remove the evidence of carving.

I am not sure when Crystal Meth entered the picture. I do know that he went to rehab and it didn’t work. I know that he lived under an overpass for a time. I know that his supervisor at work encouraged it so he could work the 12 hour shifts. I know that each stint of sobriety was short-lived. That he started his last round of using while he was in school to become a drug counselor.

His crash came at a point when he was doing 2 eight balls at a time. His heart stopped. Meth officially killed him. He was dead for 8 minutes, I believe.

The amount of drugs they found on him was enough to put him away for intent to distribute. He told them he only intended to distribute to his own body, but he was still put in prison. This is where he got sober.

He lived a low key life for a while after that. He moved into the basement of a family who were to become his best friends. He took a low-pressure job as a karaoke DJ, and spent his days playing video games and helping to raise his friend’s 3 kids.

In December 2004, 4 years after his last downward spiral, he moved to Anchorage to start a new life. I met him 5 months later, and we have been together ever since.

The addiction will never leave his life. There are times when he is hit with a craving, simply out of nowhere. His memory is severely affected by the drug use; he would not be able to tell you what he had for dinner yesterday. He retains important bits of information by repetition. We have been blessed in that the important things are easy for him to remember…Violet’s birthday is 4/20, she weighed 7lb, 11 oz. Anything else, I am the gatekeeper for.

He will spend the rest of his life as a recovering addict, and it will keep from things…jobs, international travel, the full trust of his relatives, who are always waiting for that descent.

But to me…he is amazing. Strong. Powerful. Gentle, charismatic, funny. He takes responsibility for his mistakes, he has made a new life.

He is my hero.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008


so. Jason got the Sims 2 for his computer. and for mine. about the no posting!!!! I am building houses for imaginary computer people!!! Be back soon!!!!

I am also working on pretty intense post with my friend, Blaze...hopefully, it will be up soon.

Ok, Thanks! Have to go redecorate my imaginary house now! Bye!

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

The 100th Post

I have spent more than a week thinking about this post. I wanted to do something important, something that spoke to me.

Not the flu i had last week. Not the surprise birthday party in the park for Jason's 30th that got rained out. Not the current battle of baby names in the household. And definielty not another rant about the TERRORS of pregnancy.

What speaks to me? What is the best thing I can give?

This is my heart. My love.
My reason for everything.
She gave my life a purpose I never expected. She gives me joy everyday.
My heart lifts everytime I see her. I am so incredibly lucky that I get to spend my life loving this girl.

Monday, August 4, 2008

Cause for Celebration

It has been just over 8 weeks since I found out I was pregnant again.

THAT was a harrowing day.

We had gone to the grocery store, which I usually love. Yes, I know, weird, but Jason and I love to cook together; we walk through the store and I listen as he dreams up new things. Violet rides in the cart with a plastic car attached or runs just ahead of us, her little arms moving back and forth, her little feet never stopping. She gets adoring looks from other shoppers; she rarely, if ever, has a tantrum. Instead, she just exudes excitement over being in the store. We pick out produce and exclaim over ice cream. She gets a treat. (Not ALWAYS candy…last time, she picked out a toothbrush. I know, weird kid. )

But this time, 8 weeks ago, I hated it. I was irate through the store. I felt the walls closing in on me. I didn’t feel well, and I was completely irritated.

We got home and were unloading the groceries, when Violet hit her head on the door. More accurately, stepped in to the door I had just let go to close. She fell to the ground and started sobbing. I snatched her up and started sobbing. Jason came upstairs to find us sitting in the living room, bawling our eyes out.

He calmed Violet down, but no such luck with me. I finally went to the bathroom, and was struck with the inspiration to use the last pregnancy test in the bathroom. (Yes, there are usually pregnancy tests in my bathroom. When you get surprisingly knocked up once, you get pretty obsessive about knowing the status of your uterus.)

I wasn’t even late yet. My period was due to start the next day, so I was pretty skeptical. But low and behold, by the time I was washing my hands, there were two pink lines. I stopped breathing for a minute, then screamed, “JASON!”

I can’t remember his reaction. I only remember starting to hyperventilate and gag. Then I went into the living room, where he has sprayed air freshener, and gagged for real. I made it out to the porch before I threw up. I was bawling and gasping, a real hot mess.

I never expected to react that way. The two previous times I have gotten positive tests, I was immediately filled with joy. This time, I was overtaken with fear.

It had only been 3 months since I lost Max. I didn’t know how I could go through it again. I didn’t trust that God wasn’t going to take this one.

The first two weeks, I was constantly waiting for another miscarriage to happen. I was not fit for human company. Once I got past the 6 week mark, where I had lost Max, I started to breathe a little easier. We started having tentative discussions about names. I started to look apprehensively at baby gear. I still didn’t take it for granted, didn’t really believe that it was going to happen this time. My ill-fitting pants and burgeoning tummy were saying that all was going well, but my bruised heart was telling me not get attached.

According to my pregnancy calendar, yesterday I entered the second trimester. I am really starting to believe there is going to be a new bebe in my arms come February.

You know what? I think that is a stir of joy I am feeling.

Friday, August 1, 2008


I remember the first time I saw Jill.

It was my first week at the University of Alaska Anchorage, and I was attending a theatre major's meeting. The department was small, perhaps only 30 dedicated Theatre majors, which was one of the reasons I chose the school. I was so painfully aware of my shyness at that meeting, sure I was sticking out like a sore thumb. I could be confident and calm in so many other situations, but these were the people I wanted to respect and whose respect i wanted to earn. I was insanely nervous.

Jill was sitting a few rows ahead of me, stroking the hair of her then-boyfriend. Something about her made me want to watch her, made my eye go back to her as I tried to focus on the speeches.

I didn't see her again until the first audition of the year. I was waiting patiently for what seemed like hours, chewing my nails and trying to focus on a British accent that I can only pull off when I am pretending to be a tourist in Walmart. (WAY off topic, but Jason can only sing Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer with a British accent. Remind me to tell you that story.) Anyways, Jill breezed in, wearing a skirt and heels, was lauded by the director, cold read a beautiful audition, and breezed out.

I was enchanted and terrified.

She was the most natural actor I had ever seen in real life. She had grace and charm, with a dash of skittishness. I once told my Acting TA that I could watch her peel a banana, then probably give her a rousing ovation.

4 months later, I worked backstage on a show she stage-managed. We hit it off. We ran for Theatre club officer together, we skipped Stagecraft together, we laughed, we applauded each other's successes. She directed me in the last show I did before dropping out due to my pregnancy, and was actually once of the first people who knew I was all knocked up.

I was astounded and amazed she thought me to be her equal.

She is tall and fair-skinned, naturally blonde, but also a killer redhead, and smart. Effortlessly cool because she thinks she's not, and sarcastic in the way that you wish you could be.

She has had a bit of a rough year, and now finds herself a single, successful woman who is finding her way through life.

She just started writing a blog
. She is more honest and eloquent than I could hope to be. Check her out. I think you'll like her.

Blogging the Recession...

from Motherhood Uncensored...

"The premise is simple. If you read blogs, then for the month of August, make the "pledge" to click through from your feed reader. No obligation to leave a hilarious comment or send a long stalkerish email (although both, within reason, are always lovely). Just click through and if you're feeling generous, click around.
Just those extra page views can make a big difference for bloggers who could really use the help, or in my case, where page views don't matter so much, a big fat ego boost. "

This year has been tough for me. The miscarriage, lots of sickness, my mom's cancer scare, and not being able to be near my family for some pretty major events...well, this has been a tough year.

I love the idea of just giving a little ego boost to those around you. And sometimes, just knowing people are out there reading your words can be enough.

Let's support each other. Let's blog the heck outta this recession.