Thursday, April 30, 2009

my first bad comment! YAY!

okay, okay, okay! this means someone I don't know is actually reading my blog! Validation!

seriously, I am a little too excited about this.

now i must dissect.

1. Calorie Free food is NOT food.
DUR! The point of no-cal or lo-cal coffee is so I CAN have oatmeal or a protein shake or bran flakes...something with a load of fiber and some protein thrown in.
2. Sugar-free sweetener is poison.
I use Splenda or Stevia...I am not pouring aspartame on my food here, people.
3. Processed foods are full of trans fats and chemical preservatives = more poison.
1 microwave pizza containing no trans fats? I think I'll be ok.
4. Microwaved food is stripped of its nutrients.
see above. also, the locally grown carrots and tomatoes we ate with it were not stripped of their nutrients.
5. Diet Coke = Aspartame = bigtime poison.
Diet Coke with Splenda=Splenda=haHAAAA!
6. Popcorn is genetically modified; I won't call it poison but I don't trust it either.
Seriously? you must have a ton of fun at the movies.
Summation: You are starving yourself to death, even while struggling to keep your weight down. This is the irony of the "SAD" (Standard American Diet). You get fat and malnourished at the same time. Eventually some virus or germ comes along and your body won't be able to fight it because your natural resistance will be depleted. The best thing you ate yesterday was the chocolate. - assuming you don't have diabetes (yet). I hope you feed your kids better than you feed yourself.

I SERIOUSLY doubt I am starving.

I take a multivitamin every day. If you look through our cupboards, you will find whole grain-high fiber bread. 100% Mango and Tangerine Juice. Organic, locally grown produce...apples and oranges and bananas, carrots and cabbage and squash and celery, at the moment. Nothing containing trans fats or high fructose corn syrup, even though that means my grocery shopping takes longer.

My daughter gets cookies and ice cream, and yes, even occasionally soda. Not every day, but i firmly believe a child deserves treats. But she is just as likely to ask for carrots or bananas. She eats gumbo and curry and stir fry and sushi and her favourite thing in the world is a burrito. How many 3 year old's have a palate that varied?

But as far as the whole tone of your comment, Miss(ter) Anonymous, I believe you may have missed an important point in my post.


Yesterday, I FAILED at eating. The fact is some days, it is incredibly difficult to eat appropriately. I knew I made bad food decisions. But I made an oath to be honest about my journey here. And I will continue to be. Even when it includes *gasp!* microwave pizza.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009


yes, well. um. I've been busy?

The past two days have conspired against me. first was the need for coffee yesterday, only there was no sugar free flavouring...and one can't drink coffee without that, right?
Then i was asked to speak talking to a 6th grade class about life in Alaska, got home an hour after our usual lunch time, and ended up splitting a microwave pizza with Violet (though that ended up being under 300 calories). And though I only ate one serving for dinner, I ate the other serving at midnight while feeding carli.

And today, well. crap. had the no calorie coffee today, but then it went downhill. actually, uphill in the sense that we were given (FREE!) a washer and dryer, downhill in the sense that i hadn't eaten by 1, so had a chocolate bar and a diet coke for lunch. then my perfectly healthy roast and farmer's market veggies turned out so horrific, it could only be consumed with gravy.

I did have light popcorn for snack, though!


I am living, luckily, with the Scarlett O'Hara motto: "Tomorra is anotha day..."

In the meantime, have a couple of adorable pictures.

Sunday, April 26, 2009


I like myself.


I do.


see, it is not about how i look. frankly, i think i look pretty fab as i am. and my delightful husband loves me no matter what my size.

Right now, that size is 22.

I am a big girl; it runs in my family. As does flirting and laughing loud.

And diabetes. Arthritis. Heart Disease.

Already, my knees creak when it is going to rain. My shoulder becomes immobile if I hold Carli for too long in the same position. I have to have extra cushioning on my bed, because the extra weight puts too much pressure on my bones otherwise.

Since becoming a Stay at Home mom, my fitness has gone downhill. I get winded going up the stairs. I tire way to easily. I sweat (though delicately and in a lady-like fashion) WAY too much.

So I have been trying causually make changes. Slimfast, walks while pushing the double stroller.


I have a weakness for leftovers, as in I will devour the entire amount of leftovers from last night along with my morning shake.

I talk myself out of the girls' daily walks...'oh, we are running low on time, we'll drive to the park this time.'

So I need accountability.

My hope, along with many others who have tried this method, is that by publishing my struggles, by being honest with what is going on under my (adorable) clothes, I will stay on a more straight path. we go.

April 27th, 2009
256 pounds

Bring on the diet and exercise.

Monday, April 20, 2009


I fell in love with Carli before she was born. The same thing happened with was there, was real, and when they finally exited my was home. It was warm. I know there is but one importance in my life - mothering these two girls.

But for days, weeks after she was born, I was fairly certain I had made a huge mistake.

I didn't know how to pay attention to Violet while I was feeding my newborn. I hated telling her I couldn't do something because her sister needed me more. And the crying...oh, the crying. Even with a good-natured baby like Carli, who giggles in her sleep and wakes up thrilled to see you...there is crying. There is middle-of-the-night screeching for a bottle, there is wailing for a wet diaper, there is caterwauling because she knocked her binky out of her mouth again. Violet had been talking for so long that I had forgotten how to deal with a child who can't communicate. And her crying turned into my sobbing in the middle of the night, begging Jason to wake up and hold her so I can sleep for 20 minutes.

I retreated to bed. Carli and I stayed in bed all day, leaving only to pee or grab a snack...though not often-my appetite was gone. I stared at the TV, I breastfed when Carli was hungry, I changed her diaper, then I fell asleep again. The two of us were averaging 20 hours a day.

Thank God, Jason was home on leave. He cared for Violet during my dark days, he made me take my meds. He asked me whether this was a leave-me-alone cry or a hold-me cry. Because I was crying between every nap.

Returning to my full dosage of meds helped, but only barely. I was still awash in a fog of sadness. After many many long, boring conversations about our options, Jason and I decided to wean off breastfeeding. The (imagined) guilt of taking meds while feeding my girl combined with the flood of hormones required to create the milk on top of the pressure of being the only person responsible for the well-being of my precious new cargo was crushing me.

I realize my choice is controversial. Many women actually experience a decrease in PPD while breastfeeding. Many women feel they cannot bond properly if they formula feed. I just know that this was the right choice for us.

But this is not about breastfeeding. This is about emerging from the cave of my PPD.

It was not immediate. There was a large measure of faking it till I made it. Everyday, I told myself I was a wonderful mother who knew what was best for my child(ren). Everyday, I told myself I was a good wife, that Jason hadn't made a mistake marrying me. And eventually I began to believe myself.

Today, I was on my way to the grocery store. Jason was home with the girls; his new job is a night job that allows us to see him during the days. I thought of how I had left them: Carli on her play mat, Jason and Violet on either side of her, trying to teach her to kick the toys. Carli was grinning, Jason and Vi laughing. And I realized I have everything I could ever want for. Our life is not perfect, and I make mistakes every single day. I won't be happy every day, and there will be times I will forget that moment of clarity.

But today, for about 15 minutes, I was deliriously happy.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Violet's Favourite Subject

We had our wonderful Casio Exilim point and shoot for nearly 3 years when it stopped being dependable. It lasted far longer than expected -after having it less than a year, we took it to the beach, where it ended up caked with sand. Jason was able to clean it out, and though the power button never worked again, it was quite a fine little camera.

At Christmas, however, we had a hard time taking clear pictures, and finally resigned ourselves to buying a new camera. And instead of buying the made-for-toddler camera we were looking at, we handed the Exilim over to Violet.
We don't edit the pictures...we leave them exactly as she takes them. A little glimpse into the world as she sees it.

And as a proud big sister, she has a clear favourite when it comes to subjects.