Friday, January 18, 2008

My Heartstrings

There is this memory I have from childhood.
I am sitting with my mother on a Saturday morning, and the show "Today's Special" (yes, the one with the mannequin and the mouse) is on the television. I am snuggled up next to her, and she has her arm around me. The couch is blue with tiny flowers and pleats and buttons EVERYWHERE, and my mother smells like fabric softener.

When I was in my first acting class of University, doing one of the first real acting exercises, this memory came back to me. The task was to bring up a memory ties to a sense. As soon as the picture popped into my mind, my nostrils filled with the smell of generic Downy. When the circle got to me, I burst into tears recalling this memory. Now, not only is that sweet smell of fabric softener on a Saturday morning tied to a cherished memory of my mother; it is also the catalyst of my acting career.

On Saturday mornings, Violet sits on the couch with her chocolate milk and rumpled hair, smelling of fabric softener and sleepy toddler. She is so sweet in those early morning cartoon hours.

This is my heart.
Yes, that is a pear-scented candle in her lap. She likes to sniff them when they are cold. A girl after my own heart.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

So What Do We Do With the Others 23 Hours and 45 Minutes?

Bored now.

I thought when 20 Straight Days of Sex started, I would feel more like I was accomplishing something. I thought I would have this fantastic, proactive glow that would make my days shiny.

Instead, we have about 20 minutes a day when we are actively baby-making or talking about babymaking, and the other minutes are exactly the same. Oh, except for the excruciating waiting, the meticulous planning of what to do in case we conceive or in case we don't conceive, and the relentless obsession over my cervix. (Is it supposed to be high or low? If it feels like the tip of a nose, does that mean I am fertile or already pregnant? GAH!)

I have been home with an inflamed stomach since Tuesday. Which means my days eke by, until Violet gets home for daycare. I play with her or let her entertain me until bedtime, then I am bored again. I usually fill up the holes with Buffy. (I am on season 4 now, which means, YAY, more Spike, YAY, no Angel, and BLECH, enough with the stupid Initiative already.) So, basically, I am a huge nerd. Forgive me? kthanx.

On the plus side, all you internets are keeping me entertained with your postings. Keep up the good work, my ladies!

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Anticipation, Antica-Payyy-Ayyyyyy-Shun...

When I was 11, I woke up super early on Christmas morning. Halfway through the complete orgy of presents and excitement, I threw up.

When I was 14, I realized I was not a loser. I had quite a few friends, and really felt like an awesome person for the first time in my life. I could not wait to have my picture taken for the yearbook; I felt it was going to change my life. Halfway through homeroom, I threw up.

Notice a trend?

This entire week, I feel like I am on the verge of running to the toilet or just grabbing the wastebasket under my desk. After months of wanting a new baby, I have finally gotten Jason on board, and now I have to wait until I have stopped surfing the crimson tide.

The anticipation is KILLING me.

I bought new nighties. I have force fed vitamins to Jason. I have avoided caffeine like it was poison and faithfully eaten my well-balanced diet. But as for actual Baby-Making…we still have two days to go before the beginning of 20 Straight Days of Sex.

(For the record, our conception plan is the following: vitamins; exercise; well-balanced diet; and 20 straight days of having sex once a day in the doctor-recommended positions.)

This has been the longest week ever. I just want to get ta the procreatin’.

And, as irony would have it, Jason has been unspeakably randy. Like, how we used to be before Violet and Marriage and “You wanna watch Buffy for 3 hours, then go to bed early?” stole the sex drive.

I told him to save it up. I am not wasting his strong swimmers.

Monday, January 7, 2008

It May Seem Like I am Jumping on the Bandwagon*, But Seriously, I Have Been Thinking About This for a While...

Since I found out I was pregnant with Violet, I have wanted a second baby.

Part of my reasoning is selfish: I want to experience trying to conceive. I want to look at a pregnancy test with two pink lines and jump around elatedly, not say, “ohmygoodness, ohmygoodness, ohmygoodness,”; I want Jason to jump around with me. I want to tell people I am pregnant, and have them react joyously automatically-not wonder if they should give their condolences. (Though I fully admit to relishing telling people, “I’m knocked up,” and watching them squirm.)

I adore my daughter. After the immediate panic of being a college student in a “regrettable position” receded, I never once thought of my daughter as a burden. By the time I told Jason, I was in love with my unborn child. There is not a single regret about my Little Accident.

In fact, the other reason I want a second baby is for her. Jason grew up an only child, and so he fails to see the draw of siblings. However, most good memories I have involve one of my 2 sisters or my brother. Though there was fighting aplenty while we were young, there is hardly anyone I am closer to now than my sisters. There is a bond between 2 people who grow up together that is unmatched by any other.

That all being said, I recently thought I was With Child. I was nauseated, smell-sensitive, grumpy, sore, and fuzzy brained. I was happy, naturally; the surprising bit was that Jason was also excited. This is an excellent time for us to have another: Violet would be two when the new kid is born; my insurance is excellent at the moment, and I trust my doctors; and my maternity leave would coincide with the time we would like to move down to Florida.

Then I got my period yesterday.

We were sad, but something good has come of this. We are throwing ourselves into baby-making. We are taking vitamins, I am cutting out caffeine, and we are going to embark on a whole heck of a lot of marital relations (AKA: 20 Straight Days of Sex.).

So wish us luck, send us fertile thoughts, and I’ll keep ya updated.

*Amy of Amalah has been writing of her babymaking adventures, and Amanda of Kicky Boots just announced her pregnancy.