Wednesday, February 6, 2008

What is it they say about timing?

Hey, remember when I thought I was pregnant? Yeah, well, I wish.

It turns out my body was going crazy. My liver and intestines were inflamed. I was in pain constantly and I could barely keep anything down.

After going to the doctor three times in less than a month, he finally admitted he had no idea what was wrong with me, and sent me to a gastro-internist. (Gastro-entorologist? Gastro-neurologist? I have heard it a dozen ways.)

That doctor as given me blood tests, ultrasounds, CT scans, and a colonoscopy. Apparently, I studied too well, cause I passed them all with flying colors. They found nothing I have an endoscopy scheduled for the 18th.

Don’t get me wrong, I am very glad they haven’t found any terrible thing in all the tests they have run. But after nearly 3 weeks on the couch and continuing pain I am barely controlling with a myriad of pills, I would like to know what the heck is wrong with me.

So I guess I am not going to be having a baby right now. I am a tiny bit heartbroken. Ok, maybe a lot heartbroken.

I want to end on a high note. I want to give you a ray of sunshine, cause I am not a puddle of mess, I really am ok. I am not even depressed, really, and my little family is wonderful.

But I want more to let my brave face down for a minute. I want to release into the world the fact that I am furious at my body. I have been betrayed by the body I try to be so good to. It hurts me physically, and doesn’t stop there. It keeps from me the thing I want. And retaliation would hurt no one but myself.

3 comments:

Ash said...

*Kicks self for leaving that comment on last post*

I'm sorry you are going through this right now. I know it will get better.

She Likes Purple said...

Oh darling. I want a baby, too. And we're in our sixth month of trying and I hate my body most days. Why isn't it cooperating. Why?! I'm OK. I'm happy with my life. Mike and I are fine.

But gosh my heart aches sometimes, because will it ever happen? I really don't know if I believe it will.

ihearthayden said...

Becca, sweet Becca...I'm so sorry you're feeling aweful. I'm even more sorry that you cant have what you want, God knows you deserve it. I love you!