Friday, March 5, 2010

so fabulous.

I am lacking.

I want to be a happy stay-at-home mom more than anything in the world. And I love being with my girls. I got to see Carli's first steps; I get to teach Violet the alphabet. I love being at every appointment, making the meals, giving the baths.

But I have been losing part of myself. Maybe the lack of social interaction is to blame. I left all friends but Jason behind to move here; then, my mother moved to Kentucky, and took the last bit of my sanity with her. I became that person who tells the cashier way too much information, simply because she is the only person I am not related to that I will see for days. I find myself apathetic to how I look, because some switch in my head flipped all my self esteem off.

I changed my anti-depressants. And while I really do love my new medicine, it takes some adjustment time. And in that time, I have had to deal with my ambition being zapped, my energy gone. There are days when I feel like I an encased in a rubber glove, and though I am going through the motions of my day, I can't quite be there, in that moment, fully present. I am removed, watching my day play out on a big screen t.v. Not all the days are like that, and they are lessening; but when they do come, they are disheartening.

The strangest part is that I have a hard time remembering that I was not always this way. That I cared about fashion, that I used a flat iron or curlers every day. That I could carry an interesting conversation, that I didn't feel the beginnings of a panic attack when someone knocked on the door. That I gave dinner parties that people asked to be invited to, that I was someone who people sought out for advice.

I forgot I was fabulous.

I named this blog Rebecca is Fabulous not because I look like Megan Fox or have a sparkling personality or am a trendsetter.

It was because I was well-rounded. I could look at my life and point out the bits that were fabulous. That I could take an ordinary day and make it special. And a little bit of tongue-in-cheek, as well; I am quirky, I am geeky, I am odd, but that can be fabulous.

The thing is, I am still that person. I know that under my lethargy and frustration, I am still the person I was so fond of before. I just need to remember who that is.

So, to that end, I am embarking on Fifty Days of Fabulous. I am setting a personal goal to find and celebrate something in my life that is fabulous every day. Something small, something large, something ordinary, something quirky...anything.

My bloggy friend Jennie sent me a set of champagne flutes for my wedding. They were lovely, and unfortunately met a sad, sad, tinkly demise, but I enjoyed them immensely when I had them. I drank just about anything out of them. They were well-loved.

Anyway, the note attached to them said, "Celebrate every day."

So that is what I plan to do. Find a way to celebrate each day, each detail. Join me if you like.

4 comments:

Lisa (the girls' moma) said...

Do it, my friend, and rediscover your fabulousness. I so remember those days, and insanely, I miss them now that both girls are in school and I'm teaching again. But losing yourself is never good, and you need to do what you can. So yes, find those fabulous things and write them out here and live by them.

I might even join you!

Jennie said...

This post makes me so happy. Celebrate, yes, all of it. Especially you.

Jill said...

You are fabulous. Hell - you are Paulinka, woman! And don't you forget it.

ihearthayden said...

I havent forgotten the fabulous you...in fact, I miss that sweet, silly, and beatiful woman everyday. Love you Becca Boo.