Tuesday night, my girls didn’t sleep.
They went to bed at 8:30, sure. Then I cleaned house, folded laundry, did my chores…I went to bed at 12:30.
Carli woke up.
I fed her, changed her, got her back to sleep. I fell asleep about 1:30. Then 2:00 am rolled around.
Violet woke up.
Not from a bad dream, not for any reason. She just wanted to be up.
She fell asleep around 4, during which time I fed Carli another time. I fell asleep around 4:10.
My wonderful husband let me sleep until 11, but I woke up in a mood.
My bad days are few and far between, but when they hit, they are vengeful. And when I have so many good days in a row, like I have been…the bad days are just awful.
I snapped at Jason. I cried into a pillow. I wanted to crawl into my cocoon, like I always do when the bad days come.
It just makes me feel so out of control. My girls aren’t the targets, my husband is. I pick fights. I call him names. I scream at him.
He has been through this enough to know when it is an episode. That it is chemical in my brain, not representative of how I really feel. But he still has the patience of a saint to sit through it.
After he went to bed, my sister called. She took us out of the house, and gradually, my day ebbed away.
I am still a little edgy today, especially when my blood sugar got low, and Jason grabbed my butt in the grocery store. I usually love that, but NOT when I am on edge…
Tomorrow, I should be back to normal.
These days are getting farther and farther away. I just wish…I just can’t wait until they are gone forever.
I hope that it happens. I know it might not ever go away. But I can hope.